Jokes and the like !

Guest

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water..

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'

The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'

'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'

'For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flower s on your side of the path!

Guest

I am from "scotland"

Scottish temperatures!

40 degrees:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees:
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees:
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees:
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees:
New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

-10 degrees:
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees:
Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees:
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

-297 degrees:
Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500 degrees:
Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup

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Guest

This was interesting. Cris Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get. Once you have opened this e-mail, there is no turning back. Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets Worse from there.

CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want. 20 years of good luck if you forward.
AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of luck if you forward.
PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of good luck if you forward.
ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)
Energetic. Adventurous and sp ontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of good luck if you forward.
TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally... Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge them selves often.. Very generous. 12 years of good Luck if you forward
GEMINI - The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express them selves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22)
Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LEO - The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)
Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beau tiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. P essimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SCORPIO - The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward...
SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling.. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical.. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out

Guest

Guest

Guest

**IMADV8** · Subject: Re: Jokes and the like ! Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:50 am

Don't let the lack of responses fool you. I'm enjoying this topic.

_________________
I'm prepared to passionately argue this point until nothing makes sense anymore. If that doesn't work, then the hours upon hours of whining will. - Red Mage

**gorku** · Subject: Re: Jokes and the like ! Sat Feb 14, 2009 6:22 am

yeah star can come up with some funny ass shit. i have fun giving him crap but his post are funny.

you forgot one thing in your weather joke:

-10 degrees:
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

should have said:

People in Florida are extinct, especially gorku's mother-in-law
People in Champaign, Illinois celebrate a squeaker over Northwestern, while gorku and friends play tackle football on the concrete streets wearing shorts and t-shirts in the snow.
And them strange ass Scotts licking flag poles...

Guest

Thanks Guys.... lol

Guest

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8.Men are like .... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

Guest

**cyberdog** · Subject: Re: Jokes and the like ! Tue Feb 24, 2009 8:36 am

a lot of good laughs!

Here some from me:

Three couples - the Jones, the Smiths and the Jacks- have breakfast together.

Mrs. Jones ask her husband: Can you pass the honey, honey?
Mrs. Smith request from her husband: Please hand me the sugar, sugar.
Mrs. Jack says to her husband: Give me the bacon, pig!

A young university graduate applies as an accountant at a small start-up. The job interview goes like this:

Owner: I'm a nervous man, i worry too much about business. Therefore I will hire you so that you worry for me.
Graduate: I can do that.
Owner: Alright, you can start tomorrow. I'll pay you 100,000 USD a year.
Graduate: 100,000 dollar? How can a start-up pay such a salary?
Owner: That's the first thing you have to worry about!

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"

_________________
Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
- Futurama, Season1, My Three Suns

Guest

good one ! and good that you are using the topic... get some more going.. thanks !

lol... lol.

Guest

Ukrainian Tomato Garden

An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Winnipeg. He wanted to plant
His annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert,Saskatchewan.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Walter,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden
This year.. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here
My troubles would be over.

I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Tato
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Tato,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Walter
At 4 a.m. The next morning, RCMP and local Winnipeg police arrived and dug up the entire
Area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Tato,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Walter

**gorku** · Subject: Re: Jokes and the like ! Sun Mar 29, 2009 7:14 pm

lmao...