Jokes and the like !

Guest

1.What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

2. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 kilos.

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

5. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

6. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

7. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
Marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving.

8. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mum.

Guest

I took the kids fishing today, I have 4 it was hot they were hyper and I realize that fishing is not a sport its dealing with the kids thats the sport

dad I am all tangled
I dont wanna touch the worm
look the fish are kissing
why do they call it a dragon fly it dont look like a dragon
I cant scare the fish they cant see me
I wanna chase the big duckies
the big duckies chase them back (geese)
I wanna hold the fishing pole
I dont wanna hold the fishing pole
i am bored
i am hot
how come the fish dont bite
do fish really bite
do worms eat dirt
do worms bite
how come worms dont bite scratch Sleep bounce ?

Guest

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

George Burns

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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."

Henny Youngman

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
_________________

Guest

Reasons computers must be male

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

A better model is always just around the corner.

They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

It is always necessary to have a backup.

They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

The lights are on but nobody's home.

**IMADV8** · Subject: Re: Jokes and the like ! Mon Jan 05, 2009 1:19 am

Good stuff.

_________________
I'm prepared to passionately argue this point until nothing makes sense anymore. If that doesn't work, then the hours upon hours of whining will. - Red Mage

**Lord Vader** · Subject: Re: Jokes and the like ! Mon Jan 05, 2009 4:34 am

Yeah It`s cool!

A law prof asks a student:

What is the most important Law of Finance for starting a business ?

student Replies : Father-in-Law

--

Teacher : Where is your homework ?

Pupil : I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren`t the best teacher in the school.

--

_________________

Guest

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's electric's job

Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one... but how do you get him in there with the cute, blonde?

Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one more, guys, I promise.

Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.

Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?

Q: How many Superstar Actor's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One: They just hold it and the whole world revolves around them.

Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb
A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...

Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything.

Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.

Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.

Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"

Q: How many PA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine........one to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.

Q: How many PA' does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's a light bulb?

Q: How many over eager PA's does it take to screw in a li...
A: Done!
(Note: When telling this out loud to someone the joke is to wait for them to start asking "How ma...?" then cut 'em off with "Done!"

Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.

Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.

Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole "light bulb" thing.

Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.

Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!

Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: WHAT?

Q: How many 1st AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why the f--k are you asking me that question? Can't you see I'm busy!

Q: How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.

Q: How many UPM's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!"

Q: How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.

Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: November.

Q: What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas?
A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.

Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?
A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.

Q: How many screenwriters to make "Ishtar" a good movie?
A: One more than they had.
(Feel free to substitute any current bad movie.)

From the mini-series "Moviola," an acrtress commenting on a director's last film :
"I could swallow a can of Kodak and puke a better movie than that."
_________________

Guest

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one fresh enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Don't you have fresh turkeys?" The stock boy answered, "But they are all dead. Now how can I make them take a bath?"

What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

Have you finished off the first one?
Yeah!
Eaten it too?
Yeah!
What happened to the other one?
The other turkey is now reading our conversation, boss.

If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
Ans- It simply wants to run away.

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
Ans- God save the kin.

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
Ans- Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.

What will a turkey with a dramatic bent of mind say to another turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
Ans- To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

What key has legs and can't open doors?
A Turkey.

Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"
"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their AGE

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language

What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
Turkey feathers

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving

How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape

How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore

Thanks, for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business. Thanks, for a nation of finks.
-- William S. Burroughs, "A Thanksgiving Prayer"

Michael Dresser in his Baltimore Sun Paper's wine column, Vintage Point, writing about the difficulty of recommending wine for Thanksgiving dinner writes:-
Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast - the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. (In France, by contrast there are three such days: Heir, Aujourd'hui and Demain.)
_________________

Guest

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,'she said,
'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.
On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.'

Guest

Unlucky Young Man

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

**IMADV8** · Subject: Re: Jokes and the like ! Thu Jan 08, 2009 9:27 am

That last one's good.

_________________
I'm prepared to passionately argue this point until nothing makes sense anymore. If that doesn't work, then the hours upon hours of whining will. - Red Mage

WaroftheWorlds · Subject: Re: Jokes and the like ! Thu Jan 08, 2009 1:18 pm

A Wise person once told me that if you sleep on the floor ........... You will never fall of the bed!!

Guest

Yes ! and get a splinter in your butt!

Guest

true descriptions of zodiac signs

VIRGO (The One that Waits) Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only.

SCORPIO (The Addict)
EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring. Self destructive.

LIBRA (The Lame One)
Nice to everyone they meet Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you wanna mess with... you might end up crying .

ARIES (The Liar)
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud.

AQUARIUS (Does It In The Water)
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.

GEMINI (Irresistible)
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very Good in the you know where . Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.

LEO (The Lion)
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find Good when found.

CANCER (The Cutie)
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.

PISCES (The Partner for Life)
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but In a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.

CAPRICORN (The Passionate Lover)
Love to bust Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.

TAURUS (The Tramp)
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!

SAGITTARIUS (The Promiscuous One)
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!!! Not the kind of person you wanna mess with, you might end up crying.

I am a "Sagittarius" What are you ? Please tell below !

Guest

Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.
- Aristotle
The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend.
- Aristotle
What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
- Aristotle
Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.
- Aristotle